The Incident of the Nun

Today, my nun, Sister Mary Delrita, caught me sleeping and

asked me questions about five times before she ran over and shook

and slapped me. I couldn’t help it either. My eyes were wide open

looking at the blackboard while she explained something and when

she asked me a question I didn’t pay attention. By the time I had

realized what was going on she was almost on top of me. I stayed

after school with Charlie Walsh, who had called her a fat old bag

after she had hit him for chewing gum in the classroom.

Charlie sat on one side of the room and I sat on the other. Charlie

had a wad of gum sticking on his nose which he tried to itch every so

often when Delrita wasn’t looking. She had put the gum he was

chewing on the end of his nose early in the day saying it would teach

him a lesson. I guess it was teaching him a lesson because every time

Delrita turned her back he would lift the piece of gum off his nose and

scratch under where it had been. When Delrita turned around he had

to put it on really quick. If he didn’t, she would yell and scream and

probably take a swing at him. He looked kind of funny sitting there

with a big orange piece of gum hanging on the tip of his nose. Every

time Delrita looked at him he would move it around like it tickled. It

made him look stupid but he wanted to make Delrita feel sorry for

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him and let him take it off. There wasn’t anything that would make

Delrita do that though. She liked to make people suffer. Charlie had

chewed about ten pieces of gum too and every bit of it was on the end

of his nose. I didn’t know how he could breathe. I felt sorry for him

because he was always getting in trouble. I didn’t think he meant it

either. It was just that he loved to talk and whisper to people all the

time and every time he did he always got caught. I always talked in

class but never in front of Delrita.

Delrita made me empty all the wastepaper baskets and clean off

the chalkboard – all the things that her favorite Timothy Johnson

would do just because he liked to. After I did that I had to sit quiet

with my hands folded for twenty minutes. Then she said it was all

right for me to go and I did. As I walked out the classroom door and

was ready to go outside I saw Doc coming out of a small door at the

end of the hall. I wondered where the door went to and I ran over to

him as he was about to turn a corner. He said that he had been helping

his teacher carry some paper down for his classroom and asked me if

I wanted to go up and take a look at the place. I said I would and he

unlocked the door with the little wire he had in his pocket. I was

surprised at that.

“These are old doors,” he explained. “Anybody can get into them

if they have a piece of wire.”

We climbed the stairs up to the top floor. It was a big place with

many rooms going into each other without any halls. I remembered

that I had been there before a long time ago to get my ears tested. The

whole school was being tested to see if we had good hearing and I

remember that we listened into earphones and lifted one finger up if

we could hear the tone and kept still if we didn’t.

Doc took me through all the rooms and showed me photographs

of all the old students at St. Paul’s and all the old photographs of the

nuns who were by then dead. Doc told me his father had gone to St.

Paul’s and showed me a picture of him that was in a desk over in the

corner of a dusty room. He must have known the place well because

he showed me everything. He showed me the costumes used by the

girls’ high school across the street when they put on plays. He

UPPER NOE

showed me the old statues. There were a lot of statues of the Virgin

Mary in different poses. She was kneeling down and praying; she

was standing up and praying; she was praying at the foot of a

mountain; she was praying at the foot of the cross. There was even a

statue that could be made to balance upside down and Doc put it that

way so the Virgin Mary was praying while she stood on her head. In

the other rooms there were old desks with carvings on them – things

like “John loves Maureen” or “Bill Casey sat at this desk and hated

it!” Doc pointed out the Bill Casey carving to me.

“Bill Casey was a friend of my father’s,” he said. “He died in a car

accident.”

We were on the top of the building. Across the street we could

look into the classrooms of the girls’ high school. In one classroom

in the corner we saw a boy kissing a girl. They stood next to the door

that led to the cloakroom and the boy started to push the door open as

he was kissing the girl. It looked pretty good until a nun walked in

and caught them. We couldn’t hear anything because all the windows

were closed but we could tell she was scaring the boy and girl. The

girl bit her fingernails while the boy looked down at the floor. The

nun’s arms were waving in the air and she stomped her foot once or

twice and then she pointed to the door of the classroom which meant

to get out of there. The girl went right away but the boy must have

gotten tired of her mouth and he took his time leaving. When she

threatened to hit him in the head with a big ruler he took it from her

and broke it in half over his knee and gave it back to her. When the

nun said something else he waved her away as if to say, get lost.

We found a closet full of nun suits which were too old to be worn

any more. In the closet were mostly photos of other people in another

time at a party or in church or standing in their class. I remember

Ricky’s older brother had a class picture from the school he went to.

It was a Catholic school that taught only boys. In the picture he

showed one guy in his class at the end of one row leaning out past the

last guy in front of him. One hand was on top of the other in a way that

everybody held their hands except this guy was giving the finger to

the camera. It was hidden very well and the only way it could be seen

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was if you looked at him and then looked right down to his hand.

Ricky said that it was found too late and they couldn’t retake the

picture because the yearbooks had already been published.

In another corner of the same room was a piano. It was an old beat

up piano but it played. Doc, who took piano lessons, sat down at it

and started to make music. He asked me what I wanted him to play

and gave me a choice of ten different songs that he knew. I took

Beautiful Dreamer and he played it twice. The first time he played he

sang the words. He played it the second time so I could sing along

with him. We both knew the words because it had been taught to us

in music class. We sang Glory, Glory Hallelujah and Joy to the

World and Ave Maria. When we ran out of songs to sing he closed the

piano and went out through a small door that led to the roof. It looked

down to the courtyard and there were still a few people playing

around after school and wearing their uniforms. It was windy and it

blew p small swirls of dust and paper in the corners of the buildings.

The stones used in the buildings were old. Doc said it looked like

someone had cried on them or as if they had cried themselves. I

agreed with him and told him that maybe they should be painted a

bright red or yellow and he thought that it would be a good idea.

“Maybe they should paint it the color of the Golden Gate Bridge,”

he said.

I liked that idea even better and I told him that his father could

paint the school that color since he had a lot of experience painting.

Doc said that he didn’t think that his father would like the idea

because every night he used to come home with orange paint all over

him saying how he thought they should paint the bridge some other

color like blue or pink or maybe even black. His father hated the

bridge so much he said that he wouldn’t even go over it when they

visited relatives in Marin County. Instead they drove over the Bay

Bridge and went around by the Richmond Bridge. It didn’t matter to

me though. I still thought the church and school should be painted

orange even if it wasn’t by Doc’s father. It would be the brightest

building around and everybody would be able to see it and recognize

it from far away.

UPPER NOE

In the courtyard we saw the Monsignor coming through and

telling all the kids to quit playing there and to go home.

“Don’t you have homes?” he asked them and when they said yes

he answered, “Well go there!”

Doc, maybe because he had nothing else to do, yelled out loud,

“You dummy!” and before the Monsignor could look up we ducked

and decided to get out of there and go home ourselves. It was getting

late anyway and I didn’t know about Doc, but I was getting hungry.

We climbed down the old wooden stairs and opened the little

door that led out of it. Before we opened it fully we stopped. We

could see Delrita’s fat body across the hall. She was turned away

from us reading something. We could also see Charlie Walsh

crawling out the classroom door behind her. Charlie couldn’t see us

because our end of the hall was too dark. He crawled past the

doorway right behind Delrita. Charlie was really daring. I thought he

was going to crawl silently past her and get away. Then I thought that

it would be sort of stupid because he had to come back to class the

next day and he would suffer even worse. But instead of crawling

past her he stopped right behind her. “What is he going to do?” Doc

whispered to me. I didn’t know either so I just waited until I saw him

reach into his pocket and pull out a cigarette lighter. With his thumb

he tried to flick it on about two or three times and he made a noise

loud enough for us to hear from where we stood. But Delrita couldn’t

hear a thing. Maybe it was because she was old and was really

interested in what she was reading. Charlie got the flame going and

put it to the edge of her nun’s suit. The cloth touched the floor so all

he had to do was hold it until it smoked, which it did very quickly. I

wanted to shout out to Delrita but I knew she didn’t like to see anyone

hanging around the school, so I didn’t say anything. I whispered to

Doc to shout out but he didn’t say anything either. Charlie got the suit

going so that there was a little flame coming up. Delrita still read

whatever she had in her hands. We could see the small flame slowly

getting brighter. Charlie put the lighter in his pocket and crawled

back into the classroom and sat down. “Come with me,” Doc

whispered and I followed him back up the stairs to the top. He opened

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a small glass case and took out a red tank. It was a fire extinguisher.

It was also heavy so I had to help him bring it down off the wall. I

didn’t know how to use one and neither did he so we read the

directions. It said:

“Pacific Fire Extinguisher. American La France. Water or

Loaded Steam. Use on Class A Fires, Wood, Paper, Rubbish, etc. Not

for Electrical Fires. Protect from freezing or use AC40 loaded stream

only. Recharge immediately after use: invert extinguisher, squeeze

lever to release pressure. Remove head assembly, clean all parts

thoroughly, head, hose, and container. Fill with 2 and 1 gallons of

clean water or AC40 loaded steam, to fill mark (follow directions on

charge label). Caution: never fill with calcium chloride. Replace

head assembly, press air chuck on air valve until gauge stays at 100

PSL. Replace lock pin and wire seal. Mark recharge date on record

tag. Maintenance. Inspect semi-annually. Gauge pressure must be in

operable range. Be sure hose and nozzle are unobstructed. Lead and

wire seal should be unbroken. Mark inspection date on record tag.

Suitable for use to 40' with AC40 charge. To operate use upright pull

pin squeeze lever.”

“What’re we gonna do?” I asked.

“I’m not sure,” Doc answered.

About halfway back down the rickety stairway we heard Delrita

screaming. It had to be her because there was no one else in the

building and she was the only person who had reason to. It shook us

a little and we dropped the extinguisher over the stairs and out the

door. The fire was all the way around Delrita’s skirt and she had her

arms up in the air screaming. I could see Charlie Walsh in the

classroom with his hands folded and the gum back on his nose. He

wasn’t doing anything but twiddling his thumbs. Delrita fell down

and rolled around on the ground. We picked up the extinguisher and

ran over to her. She had knocked her own glasses off and she

screamed and acted crazy. She saw us just as we got up to her and just

as Doc pulled the pin out of the tank. I helped him hold it up and

squeezed the lever while he pointed the hose. I still didn’t know what

I was doing but it seemed right and the water came out fast. Delrita

UPPER NOE

screamed loudly and she shouted orders at us from the floor. The first

stream of water went right into her mouth and she choked and

sounded like she was going to vomit. I took my hand off the lever a

little surprised. Doc yelled at me to go ahead and squeeze some more.

I squeezed the lever again and the shot of water first hit Delrita in the

eyes and she quickly covered them with her hands. By now Delrita

was in panic and didn’t know what to do. Doc didn’t mean to hit her

in the face with the liquid from the extinguisher, he just had bad aim.

He corrected everything and had it all squirting at her dress but she

had lost control. She rolled on the floor while we tried to put the fire

out. Her hands covered her face and she screamed, “You’re trying to

kill me! I’ll get you little bastards!” I helped Doc with the

extinguisher and he didn’t say anything. He just tried to put the fire

out.

“You fucking assholes! You fucking assholes!” she screamed.

She continued calling us fucking assholes. We put the fire out

until she was all wet and there were no more flames. Her hands still

covered her faced and she rolled around a little in a puddle of water

with her soaked nun’s suit. She still called us fucking assholes who

were trying to kill her and that she wouldn’t let us do it. She was

burned only halfway up the dress but I could see her bumpy old knees

and legs and her shoes that were a little smoky. She didn’t seem to

know who we were and I didn’t know what to do as she rolled around

there. She had stopped screaming. I guess she knew she wasn’t going

to burn anymore. She whispered to herself about the little assholes

who tried to kill her. I figured she was talking about Charlie Walsh

who still sat in the classroom and hadn’t even bothered to come out.

Her knees looked a little black and since there was still liquid left I

aimed the hose and took a shot to clean them off. When the stream hit

her she jerked around and screamed and called us assholes. I realized

she wasn’t going to get up and take her hands away from her face and

slap us around. No one had come so Doc said he would try and find

somebody and ran down the hall.

I looked in on Charlie Walsh. He sat at a desk playing with his

thumbs and the gum was still on his nose. He smiled at me as if he

DANIEL HALLFORD

didn’t know that I knew what he had done. I got mad at him and

wanted to throw something at the stupid look he had on his face. I

dragged the extinguisher over and shot a stream at him. He ducked

but it didn’t change the look on his face. Doc returned and said there

was nobody at the office. I suggested that maybe we shouldn’t be

around there because if anybody walked up the stairs and saw us we

would be immediate suspects. He agreed but said that maybe we

should tell somebody.

We went into the classroom and pulled Charlie Walsh out of his

desk and dragged him past Delrita who still lay on the floor moaning.

We dragged him downstairs and across the courtyard to the convent.

At the door we waited until a nun answered the bell. We had to hold

onto Charlie tightly because he was beginning to struggle. I told the

nun that Delrita lay on the floor all wet after we put out the fire

Charlie started. The nun laughed at first but she saw that we were

serious and she also saw Charlie almost get away until Doc put him

in a headlock. She invited us into the sitting room. We told her to go

to Delrita’s classroom and check our story. I said that she was lying

on the floor moaning. But I didn’t say that she called us fucking

assholes. The nun left and we went inside to the sitting room and

about five other nuns came in, asking us what was wrong. I told them

about Delrita and why Doc had to hold Charlie in a headlock but they

didn’t believe us. They told us to let go of Charlie and Doc did, with

reluctance. Charlie made a break for the door. We rushed after him

and grabbed him just as he got it half open. A couple of the old nuns

hit him on the head with little prayer books but it didn’t do any good.

Me and Doc pulled him down. We held him until the other nun came

back. She looked pale and she shouted for somebody to get the

ambulance and the police and she walked over to us. We were still

holding Charlie down. He shouted and cried:

“I didn’t do anything! I didn’t do anything!”

The nun looked like she wanted to say something. Some of the

other ones ran around and out the door to help Delrita. Suddenly she

kicked all three of us. First she kicked Doc and then me and then

stomped on Charlie Walsh. That didn’t bother me too much but then

UPPER NOE

she turned back to me and kicked me again and then tried to hit me in

the face with her fist. She missed but she took a swing at Doc and hit

him and shook him loose of Charlie.

“You should be hitting Charlie! Not me!” he yelled at her.

She kicked me in the chest and knocked me loose of Charlie also.

Charlie tried to get up to get away but she stomped him again.

“You filthy little swine!” she screamed at us. “You dirty scum!”

I didn’t think I deserved to be called those names. I looked over at

Doc who was very confused. The nun kicked Charlie while she

yelled at us and the two old nuns who had hit Charlie on the head for

being too wild, tried to pull her away. She cried while the nuns held

her. I guess she couldn’t take it. Charlie hadn’t missed the chance and

he stopped yelling and crying too and slowly got up. He dashed for

the front entrance. Since there were too many nuns hanging around

there he swerved and ran up the stairs into the convent. No one tried

to chase him or even seemed to notice him. Some other nuns came

back from the school and described the scene and then most of them

left the sitting room. Someone must have called the ambulance and

police because in the distance I could hear a siren. The two old nuns

took the crazy one away and I picked myself up and sat on the couch.

Doc did the same.

We waited until the police and ambulance came. The nuns

directed them to Delrita. We saw them walk out with Delrita on a

rolling bed. They had her covered up and she still moaned but I

couldn’t hear her very well. She seemed to be half awake because she

talked some to the other nuns who were holding her hand. When they

bumped her around a little to put her in the ambulance she called the

men who carried it “assholes!” After she was taken out the gate of the

school the police told everybody to go home because the party was

over. We returned to the sitting room and waited to be asked more

questions. A nun pointed us out and said that it was us who started

Delrita on fire. We hollered back that we didn’t do it. We put it out

we told them. Doc got mad.

“If we knew we were going to be blamed we wouldn’t even have

helped!” he yelled.

DANIEL HALLFORD

I told the policeman exactly what happened. I also told them

Charlie had run into the convent to get away and he was probably still

hiding in there somewhere.

“You probably don’t even know that we were holding him down

so he wouldn’t get away,” I told the nun who accused us of lighting

Delrita on fire.

“And you probably won’t even be able to find Charlie inside this

old hole of yours,” I added. I decided to tell her that because I didn’t

like being accused of something I didn’t do. The policeman sent a

bunch of others to start looking through the building for Charlie. He

apologized to the nun and to Sister Mary John who had by now

showed up from wherever she had been. Sister Mary John asked us

questions and she looked at me especially hard.

“I remember you from somewhere,” she said to me. I told her I

couldn’t remember where but I had seen her around a lot because she

was the principal of our school. She smiled when I said that. The

policeman asked us our phone numbers and where we lived. He told

us to go home and if they found out anything or if they found Charlie

they would let us know.

It was dark outside by this time. All the police cars were parked

out in front of St. Paul’s with their lights flashing. There were a lot of

people watching the cars and watching St. Paul’s as if they knew

something had happened there. Reynaldo was outside too. When I

told him what happened he wouldn’t believe me. When he finally

stopped laughing he knew I was serious. He told me that Charlie

Walsh used to smoke cigarettes everyday after school, that was the

reason he had a cigarette lighter in his pocket. We separated from

each other on Sanchez Street and as I walked home I wondered why

I didn’t yell out to Delrita when Charlie began to light her up. Charlie

Walsh who had all the gum on his nose.

At home I told everybody what had happened. They pumped me

about it and I had to tell them everything. The next day Charlie Walsh

wasn’t in class and neither was Delrita, which made almost

everybody happy. With the substitute nun around Timothy Johnson,

the class pet, acted the same way as he always did and the nun told

him to shut up and sit down.

UPPER NOE

“If I want to hear from you I’ll ask,” she said.

In the courtyard at recess Timothy tried to take over the game of

handball we were playing until Reynaldo got a basketball and threw

it at his head and told him to wait in line like everybody else. He went

over to the substitute nun and cried in front of her. We waited for her

to come over and break up our game but she told him to be quiet and

act like a man instead of a crybaby. I hoped Delrita would stay away

forever. Raymond Habib, a classmate and nun hater, ran to me and

said that this nun was a good nun and he invited me to visit him at his

family’s store, because he had heard about the incident of the nun. I

thanked him and said I would visit sometime. I had the best

Christmas of my life.